Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A Busy Weekend (moving on from sadness)

We have been having a very rough time around here.  Within one week, my baby and my gramma passed.    I know the word is "miscarriage," but that word just makes me sick.  It's this bull-twinky word that has very few emotions attached to it, while the actual experience of it was the most emotional and painful thing I've ever had to go through.  Maybe I just never paid attention when people talked about it, but I felt like I was slapped upside the head.  I just wasn't prepared for how bad it was.   This was supposed to be a home birth, as my other two were born in the hospital here.  I was so looking forward to this experience.  It's really been devastating.  I feel like I am starting to move on, and staying busy with sewing is helping a lot.  Megan (Lucy&Norman) was brave enough to blog about hers.  Thanks to her post for giving me the push to post mine.  It just isn't talked about, and I think it should be. 
        I know that gramma passed on in order to take care of my baby.  The timing of it makes me believe that, and saying that makes me feel better about everything.

       My husband, knowing I needed some time by myself, let me have most of the weekend out in the sewing shed.  I haven't really finished anything in a long, long time, so this weekend felt great.  I don't know about you guys, but my stack of "quilt tops" has been growing and the quilting just hasn't been happening.

I never finished my step-mom's birthday gift(mid-June), an electric heating pad thingie cover.  I ended up making two, since I had an ugly cover on mine.  I had an Arcadia honey bun roll and just started messing around.  I haven't free-motion quilted in forever, and it felt so good.  I'm keeping the swirly circles/log cabin.  My step mom is getting the strips with meandering.  I backed them both in some Amy Butler home dec.

  I just love how they came out.  I am a little bummed that it's the middle of summer and I'm just going to have to put mine away in a drawer until it's colder.  Oh well.  I could almost sew a strap into them and they would be nice bags...

Also, a friend of mine from high school is having her second baby.  I just couldn't go to the baby shower.  So I spent that time quilting this.   It's definitely not perfect.  I still feel awkward sometimes with the free motion stuff.  You can really tell the "groove" spots and the "awkward" spots on the quilt.  Okay, maybe I'm the only one who can see that...   I really do feel more comfortable doing it after a glass of wine.  I can't piece at all with alcohol involved, but I sure do quilt better :)

Also, I will be raffling off one of my featherweight machines, to benefit the opening of the Santa Barbara Birth Center.  They want to open by the end of the year, and I think I can raise a decent amount of money by having a raffle for one of my machines.  I will do the raffle some time in August, so stay tuned......


  1. Oh my goodness that is a very sad week. I've never been personally through but have been with many others. The pain will eventually fade. The best advise I've heard is to let your self be sad, be gentle, but remember that things happen for a reason.

    Take care.

  2. I too have never had that experience, but I can hear your pain through your words. Sending you a big hug from South Carolina. Take care of yourself.

  3. Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you went through the devestation of losing all those hopes and dreams for your baby. I'm glad you're feeling a little better now and hope you continue to heal. I had a similar experience recently, but wasn't sure how to blog about it. You're brave to share. Sending warm thoughts your way.

  4. Raven, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I agree, "miscarriage" is such a detached word. I completely believe life begins at conception, so even if you never get to meet that little life before he or she enters this world, that is still your baby. A good friend of mine lost her first two pregnancies years ago (she now has 4 girls). I haven't lost a baby, but it wasn't until my first pregnancy that I began to understand why she had been so devestated. I'm thankful to hear your hubby gave you a chance to rest and heal a bit this weekend. I pray you will continue to find sources of comfort. xo Jen

  5. I am so sorry to hear about both of your losses. What a difficult week. At least, it sounds like you have a supportive family by your side. My heart goes out to you during this challenging time.

  6. Oh so sad for you. I wrote about my losses here

    When I re-read it I hate how it's worded. I didn't even mention the miscarriage I had 15 years ago. Why am I telling you all this? Just to let you know we are out there... the mommies that have shared the experience. It is awful. I've lost three. Three! Sometimes I can barely grasp that concept.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  7. I came over here from Flickr to see your beautiful Ice cream social dress and teared up when I read this post. I lost a baby about 2 years ago, and it still hurts. I'm now lucky enough to have a wonderful and perfect 4 month old baby, but the loss is still there. Much love to you while your heart and your body heal. I hope you're taking good care of yourself while you grieve for both of your loved ones.

  8. so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how horrible it must be to lose a baby. I don't know how I would cope. and it seems to happen more often than we think. even more reason for your raffle to raise money for the birth center.

    all the best to you and your family

  9. I am so very sorry for your loss. I was touched and also believe along with you that your grandmother is in heaven rocking your little angel.

    My mother died in early April of 1995, just weeks before the Oklahoma City bombing. My mother dedicated her life to caring for children. She baby-sat in her home and also kept the nursery at her church. A few weeks after the tragic bombing, the wife of my mother's pastor called to talk. She and I both cried and talked about how my mother was in heaven rocking those dear little children that died in that horrific attack. I found comfort in that belief.


  10. I just found you through "film in the fridge" and reading your blog, I was compelled to write.

    I know that feeling . . . . the one where it feels like someone opened the door to your heart and it just fell out, bouncing across the floor. But you're so keenly aware of this pain, this hurt where your heart used to be. How can something hurt so much that is not there? It's been five years for me, and as someone mentioned, the pain does ease a little at a time, but don't worry, you will never forget, it doesn't fade that much - it just gets easier to deal with over time. The raffle/ donation thing is great - an awesome channel for your grief and emotions. I've written several things about my own loss, and I would be willing to email them if you wish. Just request at I know what you mean about the "mis" word - I don't use it. I was on fertility for a year, was seriously ill during my 4 months of pregnancy, and after 18 hours of labor to deliver a still baby, to hear people say " oh, you had a "mis" - it' just doesn't cut it. Enough about me, I want you to know that I am so, so very sorry for loss even though you are a complete stranger to me. I will say prayers for you, and hope that you can find peace. Don't be afraid to cry or feel your emotions. It's something that can't be bottled. Maybe our little babies are playing together in heaven. <3

  11. Oh, wow. I just read your post and cried. I wish I had found your blog in time to participate in the raffle! It seems like a wonderful way to honor your lost little one. Whoa, tears... I know how it feels. Two years ago I lost a little one and the grief really changed me forever. I am thankful now to have a 9 month old little girl who is the light of my life, along with my 3 year old boy. She was my healing, but obviously (since I am crying right now), it still hurts sometimes. It hope you are healing well on the inside! Thank you for sharing.